man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
