why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize