went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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