So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
