There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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