i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
