Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
