She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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