I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
