pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize