My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
