i love accidental penises.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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