so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
