Someone shit on the floor
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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