i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
