Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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