He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
