Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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