Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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