I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
