So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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