Your face is a jimmy john
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
