I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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