I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
