The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
