i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
