Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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