dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
