Having a random hookup so left but love u
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
