Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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