I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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