I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
