so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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