yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
