Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
