I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
