I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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