People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
