Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
