I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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