It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
