Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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