Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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