I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
