I'm lost and stupid without you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
