I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
