I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We got so high we made milksteak
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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