I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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