My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
