I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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