You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
