My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
