yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
