She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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