I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
