I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
