Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
