That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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