ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
