Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
