he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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