I hate your face
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
