we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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