wrigley field is MILF paradise
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
