please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
