Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
