she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
