This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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