i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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