i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
