Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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