Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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