Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
